Cigarette Breaks (24th January 2009)

I’m usually stronger than this.
I’m usually bigger than this.
I’m usually better than this.
“How are you?” they ask, with good intentioned earnest and considerate motivation.
“Fine”, comes the reply. It isn’t false. It isn’t fake.
It’s lack of choice.

Give me a second to take it in.
I may be invincible but whatever happened to my cigarette break?
So what if I don’t smoke? Give me a fucking second.

Being who I am comes at a heavy price.
It’s mostly always worth it.
I lose myself while finding the meaning of the word ‘threshold’.
The burden makes me dizzy. Being invulnerable doesn’t mean I can’t feel dizzy, does it?
Maybe it does. Maybe it’s time to redefine these silly terms and unfortunate titles.

There is no better feeling than punching a keyboard with fingers filled with grit and temper.
Dexterity and accuracy are also key. The backspace and the enter buttons make for brilliant release.

And I can feel the fatigue creeping in.
It invades me and floods me. I wheeze.
Slow down. Shift into second gear. Crawl into a groove easily sustained without having to try.

There it is.
Hardened... and back for more.

Wait, not just yet. Let me get off my cigarette break.